Adventure | TR KNOLES

November 24, 2012

“A Cry for Freedom and a Heart that Swelled” (Installment 4)

The River Lesson

I woke at dawn, dwelling in a state of happiness that I had a morning all to myself before we had our group yoga session at 7 a.m. Being a mother in the past I might have dreaded the thought of being woken up at dawn and dealing with whatever was happening at that moment leaving me to slightly suffer throughout the day from the lack of sleep but today was different. This was nature waking me and the only energy I had to dispense was to myself.

I rose up and tip-toed over to my tall glass door that opened up to a terrace. I was on the top floor of one of the buildings at Sattva Center and personally I felt I had the best view of the property. We were in the foothills of the Himalayas (the valley of Rishikesh). We were encased by the mountains with a small river running through at the base that not too far away flowed and merged into the Ganga.

It was beautiful. I could barely see. The sun had the smallest moments of revealing its rays of light. The mountains only showing as beautiful silhouettes. The silence was comforting and inviting. The temperature was warm and the sounds of nature echoed through my ears. At that hour I only had noticed the grounds keeper up and walking around. I pulled a chair out from my room onto the veranda, sat comfortably, closed my eyes and transcended.

The light from the sun was slowly entering through my softly lidded eyes and I knew it was time to let go of the unmanifest. It was still a bit early for our yoga session. Fortunately it meant I had time to ask the kitchen chef’s to make me a chai, relax and socialize with those who were early risers.

The few who were up early sipped on our divine tea, chatted, unveiling ourselves more to one another while we waited for our 7 a.m. class to begin. With minutes remaining before we were due to our class we funneled in one by one. Each one of us choosing our yoga mat, positioning ourselves in the room, gently stretching and waiting for our teacher Anand to arrive.

First we had meditation with Anand. It was layers of kriyas ending with the group chanting a bija mantra in unison. There were flash moments where Anand looked as though he was the embodiment of Shiva and it was powerful.

We broke briefly after meditating only to resume with our yoga practice twenty minutes later. A flow had begun. Anand was passionate and inspiring with his movement. All of us mirroring the energy to own degree of capability. This was a powerful practice. I had not experienced anything in the West that came close to this.

Our Sattva Yoga session incorporated warrior like movements/asanas, pranayama, mantras, intuitiveness, sound healing, etc. And, one can never forget Anand’s amazing music collection.

As we came to the closure of our class all I seemed to be able to hear was the sounds of river rippling through the open windows of the room. I was drenched in sweat and envisioning myself submerged into the river with the water wrapping around my body. I was thankful we are done cause my mind had moved on yet I was grateful for such a beautiful yoga class.

Intuitively we all moved towards the gates leading us down to the river. We all had the same thought of plunging ourselves into that water. The feeling of joy arose and the invigorating sensation of the cool water on my body was amazing.

In India it is a unspoken rule that women stay covered completely when entering the water unlike in America. For me there was something so liberating about the fact that I could walk into the water fully clothed and not have to reveal myself in any way. I didn’t have to worry about what my body looked like, if my swimsuit would stay on in the current, too much sun exposure, etc. Add on the fact I have always been someone who is impeccable with dressing myself. Needless to say it was a letting go experience to walk into a river with my clothes on, lay on top of the rocks and dirt. Such beauty in not caring.

Most of the men crossed over the river and were standing on the other side enjoying themselves. The rest of us were found either standing in the current, lying down on the rocks in the shallow parts or sitting in the water.

This is where I had a moment of thinking I should either cross the river or flow down with the current a bit. I did not give it too much thought. Unfortunately I should have had more clarity. Before I knew it I had entered the river in its fullest flow without definite intention. This makes me laugh with embarrassment but I actually without effort eased into the strong current, swam a little front stroke, flipped over to back stroke and was thinking this was great until I realized there was no way I was going to make it all the way over to the other side with such a lame strategy. It was over. The river took hold of me and I needed to go with the flow of the situation I made for myself. I knew I needed to continue down the stream and slowly allow for myself to edge closer to the bank of river. Now I knew I had been dumb cause the river had full control over me but I did not panic. With each moment of getting closer to the perimeter my hips were hitting rocks along the way. I finally managed to get out after taking a bit of a beating but, dammit it, my hips were killing me. I was afraid to look at what happened so I chose to nonchalantly look at what happened to my body. My five second examination concluded with seeing slight damage to the skin; large bruised abrasions. Enough to know the healing would be a couple weeks.

Trying not to completely mentally beat myself up I chose to stay composed. I walked back lackadaisically to where everyone was and entered the river again placing myself in the lying down position allowing for the water to fully run around the crown of my head and over my body. I was transfixed in thought. Thinking to myself, “How I went down that river is exactly how I live my life at this point in time!”; “I don’t have full clarity all the time when I leap. I sometimes do things with half intention”; “I do have full faith that I will always rise to the top making it through whatever it takes, but at what cost?”; “Why do I make myself suffer when all I have to do is be clear and powerful with my thought?”; “My life always turns out amazing, but why I am willing to get a little beat up along the way?”; “What am I trying to prove?”; “This is not what I want anymore”; “I am over suffering at any level”; “I am over not being powerfully clear with my intentions”; “I am over going with the flow naively”; “I am ready to embrace my power, my journey, my dharma, my purpose and do it gracefully with assertiveness”; “I am ready to be my Shakti Devi”.

I walked away thanking the river deeply for teaching me my first big lesson. The door was opening and inviting me to step into my power. I was receiving.

http://www.mysattva.com
http://www.thehighestpass.com
The Sequel: Four Peaks Of Freedom

November 17, 2012

“A Cry for Freedom and a Heart that Swelled” (Installment 3)

Sattva

I was truly enjoying myself and the connections I was making within our “Four Sacred Peaks” group. I felt as though I was on cloud nine. There was stimulating, deep, intelligent conversations happening with and all around me. People were eager, curious, open, happy and excited about our journey into the Himalayas. It was all established in authenticity. Even with our group knowing our adventure and almost every moment was being filmed for a documentary it was still as real as it gets. No one was putting on an act and it felt as though the cameras were not even there. True beauty with true reality.

Our journey into the Himalayas was already forming into one that would be unpredictable. India had experienced one of the biggest monsoon season’s in a long time and Anand was literally remapping our travel upon our arrival. Roads had been washed out and bridges had fallen, etc. Nature always knows best how to organize.

The plan was to be at Sattva for four days practicing yoga, meditating, riding the motorbikes, getting use to the roads/driving, filming, doing last minute things in town (Rishikesh) and becoming more familiar with each other.

I remember being told to film ourselves before we left for India to show a bit of our home life. As much as I have a love for film, transformation and being a part of projects as a vulnerable character, I was a little terrified. With my first video I had already become the chick who was crying about everything, well, mainly leaving my 3 year old son. I was hoping I had left that at home.

Our first night had ended and I found myself alone in my room looking at my iPhone swiping through photo’s of my beloved son. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and my heart began to tug with tiny bits of love pain. I was feeling the separation of mother/son. Being completely honest I will tell you for three years straight I have slept almost every night in the same bed with my son and in the waking state have been by his side every moment since birth. I had not missed one second of his precious young life. The separation was real and deep. I had prepared him for it but I hadn’t realized I wasn’t fully prepared.

I shut my phone off and vowed not to do that to myself again. I wanted to honor myself in the experience I had set out to do which was to connect with me again, not to suffer. No more torture with photos. It was time to be present. No need to be anywhere else. My husband had left me with these last few words, “Completely detach from domestic life. Go have fun. No need to call. We will all be fine and look forward to hearing from you in a month. I love you.” I had total permission from my love, my inner Goddess and the universe. I listened. If there is one thing I have learned from motherhood it is not to waste time. When you have alone time you make the absolute most out it even if it’s five minutes or one month! Moving forward.

I climbed into my king size bed, pulled the covers over me, laid my head down and shut my eyes. I allowed myself to find the joy of sleeping in an empty bed which I had long ago loved in my twenties. I drifted into blackness, silence and experienced restfulness in a way that I hadn’t in years.

http://www.mysattva.com
http://www.thehighestpass.com
The Sequel: The Four Sacred Peaks

2 Comments

November 14, 2012

“A Cry for Freedom and a Heart that Swelled” (Installment 2)

The Arrival

I opened my eyes from my jet-lagged black out still seated in the passenger seat of the highly orchestrated weaving van moving along the roads of India. I was really here. I had truly plunged and taken my leap of faith. The net did catch me cause I was riding through the zig zagging forest road that was leading us through the hillside of Rishikesh. Again, I witnessed my sense of ease and feeling of being at home. This triggered the child inside of me and happiness revealed itself through a smile.

Our approach to Sattva Center was coming soon and the joy of seeing Anand as well as meeting our adventurous group was only minutes away. The last time I had seen Sattva was in its beginning stages where Anand, my husband and I had lunch under a tent by the streaming river because the structures had not been fully built.

It was lovely to pull up to a driveway that was beautifully gated. The doors opened allowing us through and down the hillside to the property of Sattva. It was even better than I had remembered while still being as magical and transcendent. We were immediately greeted with smiles and help. Anand was standing, kindly smiling and powerfully instructing his people at Sattva on the details of our arrival. A sense of being taken care was immediate. Each of the four us in the van stepped out. Mario, Ken, Aizhan and myself were ushered to our rooms and given time to settle in. One by one our group of the Four Sacred Peaks were streaming in.

I felt excited, energized, a little jet-lagged, happy, young and relieved that I had nothing to do except relax. I felt I could truly embrace my freedom and break through some barriers while being in this amazing environment. It is funny though, when we have moments of stepping into the new that we find ourselves slightly not knowing what to do next. I found myself jumping from one relaxing thought to the next. Do I unpack? Take a shower? Meditate? Lay down? Write? Read? So much freedom and no distraction. Again, bliss. I lost myself in the transcending state and awoke to a knock on my door. Hours had gone by. The group was waiting for everyone to gather, meet, greet and share our first meal together.

I couldn’t wait to connect with the fellow riders and learn about each one. Some of them I knew, though not deeply, and mostly I would be meeting everyone for the first time. I have always thrived off of the unknown, meeting new people and learning. It was beautiful to see all of their faces. We gathered in a circle, sat in our wicker chairs near the poolside and listened to Anand greet us all. He always has such grace, poise, wisdom and childlike joy to share.

There were eighteen of us including Anand seated in this circle. It was time to introduce ourselves, share a little something about who we were and why we came. I looked around at all the faces taking it in. I was slightly distracted by my excitement of actually being there. It was my first trip in four years that I had done alone and I was still reveling in the fact that I made this desire happen.

I listened and became fascinated by our eclectic group. It was becoming apparent to me how special we all were. We had come from all over the world and all walks of life. We were seeking the unknown and desiring profound spiritual experiences. I felt what made us most unique was we all seemed to be a bit of a black sheep in our own worlds and thrill seekers. I had never been with a group of people who possessed all of these same qualities. For the first time I was not the only one who had gone sky diving, snow boarding, down a zip line in the middle of a jungle, 4-wheeling in the jungles of Costa Rica, etc. I felt this experience was going to be unforgettable and fun.

At this point I had concluded we were a charismatic bunch of characters and this was my quick diagnoses:
Mario- an athlete, world traveler, a big heart, a lover, a giver, a seeker of Vedic knowledge, someone who loves an adventure, school of hard knocks and wants to experience everything like a child, the life of the party.
Ken- an intellect/scholar, a high achiever, a big heart, perceptive, funny, witty, a new seeker of spirituality, curious, grounded, happy, content.
Anna- my friend, a mother, a nurturer, an artist, a teacher, an entrepreneur, sensitive, huge heart, a giver, a healer, compassionate, a woman stepping into her power.
Elle- a strong woman, determined, goal oriented, established, bold, tough yet glamorous.
Mark- a strong man with a soft heart, lovable, genuine, seeking, a world traveler, a healer, a lover of knowledge.
Fred- the elder, eager, accomplished, established in years of experience and life, seeking a greater meaning, open.
Maria- innocent beauty, smart, free, deeply observant, artist, fearless, happy, grateful, joyful to be experiencing it all.
Adam- the student of life, the joker, the filmmaker, the visionary, the athlete, the boy, the performer, stepping into his own.
Katrina- beautiful smile, her eyes are the window to her soul, feminine, playful, digging deep, the silent observer, a girl yet a woman, breaking her way through old and new barriers.
Elana- sweet hearted, softness, feminine, princess, deeply caring, seeking, ready to love and be loved, eager to figure out her next step in life.
Alexis- the power of hair, sensitive, aware, beautiful smile, a seeker of wisdom and knowledge, a teacher, feminine, a healer and a lover.
Regina- a queen, soft heart, the feminine goddess, a healer, the master of style and quality, a sense of humor, deep, contagious laughter and a giggle of a child.
Aizhan- a woman, beauty, world traveler, wise, deep, seeking new experience and expansion, embracing the unknown willingly.
Jennifer- a mother, a lover, sensitive, quiet, taking it all in, courageous, seeking, a hidden shy beauty, an artist.
Jeff- the cool one, distant yet curious, fun, light hearted, sensitive, an artist, stylish, balanced, seeking clarity and answers with detachment.
Ryan- the outsider, silent observer, sensitive, a healer, curious, open, strong, kind heart, nurturer, humble, beautiful inside and out.
Kim- bold, powerful, loving, nurturing, masculine yet feminine, a lover, a teacher, wise, humble, observant, massively of service, intriguing.
Scott- filmmaker, soft heart, hard worker, divine, innocent, youthful, boyish, talented, driven, open, curious, stepping into manhood, a romantic, a lover.
Anand- a powerful born leader, wise beyond his years, full of joy, a risk taker, a black sheep, a visionary, bold, boyish, fun loving, playful, passionate, a destructor of irrelevancy (Shiva), dynamic, intelligent, divine, transcendent, a man of many faces, a true master forming in his youth.
Myself- a mother, a nurturer, feminine, athletic, a healer, a teacher, lover of wisdom/knowledge, a warrior/queen, an observer, bold, Kali, seeker of playfulness, a lover and on a mission to break through to the next level.

This was our group through my eyes and state of consciousness.