TR KNOLES

Sattva

I was truly enjoying myself and the connections I was making within our “Four Sacred Peaks” group. I felt as though I was on cloud nine. There was stimulating, deep, intelligent conversations happening with and all around me. People were eager, curious, open, happy and excited about our journey into the Himalayas. It was all established in authenticity. Even with our group knowing our adventure and almost every moment was being filmed for a documentary it was still as real as it gets. No one was putting on an act and it felt as though the cameras were not even there. True beauty with true reality.

Our journey into the Himalayas was already forming into one that would be unpredictable. India had experienced one of the biggest monsoon season’s in a long time and Anand was literally remapping our travel upon our arrival. Roads had been washed out and bridges had fallen, etc. Nature always knows best how to organize.

The plan was to be at Sattva for four days practicing yoga, meditating, riding the motorbikes, getting use to the roads/driving, filming, doing last minute things in town (Rishikesh) and becoming more familiar with each other.

I remember being told to film ourselves before we left for India to show a bit of our home life. As much as I have a love for film, transformation and being a part of projects as a vulnerable character, I was a little terrified. With my first video I had already become the chick who was crying about everything, well, mainly leaving my 3 year old son. I was hoping I had left that at home.

Our first night had ended and I found myself alone in my room looking at my iPhone swiping through photo’s of my beloved son. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and my heart began to tug with tiny bits of love pain. I was feeling the separation of mother/son. Being completely honest I will tell you for three years straight I have slept almost every night in the same bed with my son and in the waking state have been by his side every moment since birth. I had not missed one second of his precious young life. The separation was real and deep. I had prepared him for it but I hadn’t realized I wasn’t fully prepared.

I shut my phone off and vowed not to do that to myself again. I wanted to honor myself in the experience I had set out to do which was to connect with me again, not to suffer. No more torture with photos. It was time to be present. No need to be anywhere else. My husband had left me with these last few words, “Completely detach from domestic life. Go have fun. No need to call. We will all be fine and look forward to hearing from you in a month. I love you.” I had total permission from my love, my inner Goddess and the universe. I listened. If there is one thing I have learned from motherhood it is not to waste time. When you have alone time you make the absolute most out it even if it’s five minutes or one month! Moving forward.

I climbed into my king size bed, pulled the covers over me, laid my head down and shut my eyes. I allowed myself to find the joy of sleeping in an empty bed which I had long ago loved in my twenties. I drifted into blackness, silence and experienced restfulness in a way that I hadn’t in years.

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http://www.thehighestpass.com
The Sequel: The Four Sacred Peaks