Himalayas | TR KNOLES

November 17, 2012

“A Cry for Freedom and a Heart that Swelled” (Installment 3)

Sattva

I was truly enjoying myself and the connections I was making within our “Four Sacred Peaks” group. I felt as though I was on cloud nine. There was stimulating, deep, intelligent conversations happening with and all around me. People were eager, curious, open, happy and excited about our journey into the Himalayas. It was all established in authenticity. Even with our group knowing our adventure and almost every moment was being filmed for a documentary it was still as real as it gets. No one was putting on an act and it felt as though the cameras were not even there. True beauty with true reality.

Our journey into the Himalayas was already forming into one that would be unpredictable. India had experienced one of the biggest monsoon season’s in a long time and Anand was literally remapping our travel upon our arrival. Roads had been washed out and bridges had fallen, etc. Nature always knows best how to organize.

The plan was to be at Sattva for four days practicing yoga, meditating, riding the motorbikes, getting use to the roads/driving, filming, doing last minute things in town (Rishikesh) and becoming more familiar with each other.

I remember being told to film ourselves before we left for India to show a bit of our home life. As much as I have a love for film, transformation and being a part of projects as a vulnerable character, I was a little terrified. With my first video I had already become the chick who was crying about everything, well, mainly leaving my 3 year old son. I was hoping I had left that at home.

Our first night had ended and I found myself alone in my room looking at my iPhone swiping through photo’s of my beloved son. Tears began to roll down my cheeks and my heart began to tug with tiny bits of love pain. I was feeling the separation of mother/son. Being completely honest I will tell you for three years straight I have slept almost every night in the same bed with my son and in the waking state have been by his side every moment since birth. I had not missed one second of his precious young life. The separation was real and deep. I had prepared him for it but I hadn’t realized I wasn’t fully prepared.

I shut my phone off and vowed not to do that to myself again. I wanted to honor myself in the experience I had set out to do which was to connect with me again, not to suffer. No more torture with photos. It was time to be present. No need to be anywhere else. My husband had left me with these last few words, “Completely detach from domestic life. Go have fun. No need to call. We will all be fine and look forward to hearing from you in a month. I love you.” I had total permission from my love, my inner Goddess and the universe. I listened. If there is one thing I have learned from motherhood it is not to waste time. When you have alone time you make the absolute most out it even if it’s five minutes or one month! Moving forward.

I climbed into my king size bed, pulled the covers over me, laid my head down and shut my eyes. I allowed myself to find the joy of sleeping in an empty bed which I had long ago loved in my twenties. I drifted into blackness, silence and experienced restfulness in a way that I hadn’t in years.

http://www.mysattva.com
http://www.thehighestpass.com
The Sequel: The Four Sacred Peaks

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November 14, 2012

“A Cry for Freedom and a Heart that Swelled” (Installment 2)

The Arrival

I opened my eyes from my jet-lagged black out still seated in the passenger seat of the highly orchestrated weaving van moving along the roads of India. I was really here. I had truly plunged and taken my leap of faith. The net did catch me cause I was riding through the zig zagging forest road that was leading us through the hillside of Rishikesh. Again, I witnessed my sense of ease and feeling of being at home. This triggered the child inside of me and happiness revealed itself through a smile.

Our approach to Sattva Center was coming soon and the joy of seeing Anand as well as meeting our adventurous group was only minutes away. The last time I had seen Sattva was in its beginning stages where Anand, my husband and I had lunch under a tent by the streaming river because the structures had not been fully built.

It was lovely to pull up to a driveway that was beautifully gated. The doors opened allowing us through and down the hillside to the property of Sattva. It was even better than I had remembered while still being as magical and transcendent. We were immediately greeted with smiles and help. Anand was standing, kindly smiling and powerfully instructing his people at Sattva on the details of our arrival. A sense of being taken care was immediate. Each of the four us in the van stepped out. Mario, Ken, Aizhan and myself were ushered to our rooms and given time to settle in. One by one our group of the Four Sacred Peaks were streaming in.

I felt excited, energized, a little jet-lagged, happy, young and relieved that I had nothing to do except relax. I felt I could truly embrace my freedom and break through some barriers while being in this amazing environment. It is funny though, when we have moments of stepping into the new that we find ourselves slightly not knowing what to do next. I found myself jumping from one relaxing thought to the next. Do I unpack? Take a shower? Meditate? Lay down? Write? Read? So much freedom and no distraction. Again, bliss. I lost myself in the transcending state and awoke to a knock on my door. Hours had gone by. The group was waiting for everyone to gather, meet, greet and share our first meal together.

I couldn’t wait to connect with the fellow riders and learn about each one. Some of them I knew, though not deeply, and mostly I would be meeting everyone for the first time. I have always thrived off of the unknown, meeting new people and learning. It was beautiful to see all of their faces. We gathered in a circle, sat in our wicker chairs near the poolside and listened to Anand greet us all. He always has such grace, poise, wisdom and childlike joy to share.

There were eighteen of us including Anand seated in this circle. It was time to introduce ourselves, share a little something about who we were and why we came. I looked around at all the faces taking it in. I was slightly distracted by my excitement of actually being there. It was my first trip in four years that I had done alone and I was still reveling in the fact that I made this desire happen.

I listened and became fascinated by our eclectic group. It was becoming apparent to me how special we all were. We had come from all over the world and all walks of life. We were seeking the unknown and desiring profound spiritual experiences. I felt what made us most unique was we all seemed to be a bit of a black sheep in our own worlds and thrill seekers. I had never been with a group of people who possessed all of these same qualities. For the first time I was not the only one who had gone sky diving, snow boarding, down a zip line in the middle of a jungle, 4-wheeling in the jungles of Costa Rica, etc. I felt this experience was going to be unforgettable and fun.

At this point I had concluded we were a charismatic bunch of characters and this was my quick diagnoses:
Mario- an athlete, world traveler, a big heart, a lover, a giver, a seeker of Vedic knowledge, someone who loves an adventure, school of hard knocks and wants to experience everything like a child, the life of the party.
Ken- an intellect/scholar, a high achiever, a big heart, perceptive, funny, witty, a new seeker of spirituality, curious, grounded, happy, content.
Anna- my friend, a mother, a nurturer, an artist, a teacher, an entrepreneur, sensitive, huge heart, a giver, a healer, compassionate, a woman stepping into her power.
Elle- a strong woman, determined, goal oriented, established, bold, tough yet glamorous.
Mark- a strong man with a soft heart, lovable, genuine, seeking, a world traveler, a healer, a lover of knowledge.
Fred- the elder, eager, accomplished, established in years of experience and life, seeking a greater meaning, open.
Maria- innocent beauty, smart, free, deeply observant, artist, fearless, happy, grateful, joyful to be experiencing it all.
Adam- the student of life, the joker, the filmmaker, the visionary, the athlete, the boy, the performer, stepping into his own.
Katrina- beautiful smile, her eyes are the window to her soul, feminine, playful, digging deep, the silent observer, a girl yet a woman, breaking her way through old and new barriers.
Elana- sweet hearted, softness, feminine, princess, deeply caring, seeking, ready to love and be loved, eager to figure out her next step in life.
Alexis- the power of hair, sensitive, aware, beautiful smile, a seeker of wisdom and knowledge, a teacher, feminine, a healer and a lover.
Regina- a queen, soft heart, the feminine goddess, a healer, the master of style and quality, a sense of humor, deep, contagious laughter and a giggle of a child.
Aizhan- a woman, beauty, world traveler, wise, deep, seeking new experience and expansion, embracing the unknown willingly.
Jennifer- a mother, a lover, sensitive, quiet, taking it all in, courageous, seeking, a hidden shy beauty, an artist.
Jeff- the cool one, distant yet curious, fun, light hearted, sensitive, an artist, stylish, balanced, seeking clarity and answers with detachment.
Ryan- the outsider, silent observer, sensitive, a healer, curious, open, strong, kind heart, nurturer, humble, beautiful inside and out.
Kim- bold, powerful, loving, nurturing, masculine yet feminine, a lover, a teacher, wise, humble, observant, massively of service, intriguing.
Scott- filmmaker, soft heart, hard worker, divine, innocent, youthful, boyish, talented, driven, open, curious, stepping into manhood, a romantic, a lover.
Anand- a powerful born leader, wise beyond his years, full of joy, a risk taker, a black sheep, a visionary, bold, boyish, fun loving, playful, passionate, a destructor of irrelevancy (Shiva), dynamic, intelligent, divine, transcendent, a man of many faces, a true master forming in his youth.
Myself- a mother, a nurturer, feminine, athletic, a healer, a teacher, lover of wisdom/knowledge, a warrior/queen, an observer, bold, Kali, seeker of playfulness, a lover and on a mission to break through to the next level.

This was our group through my eyes and state of consciousness.

http://www.mysattva.com
http://www.thehighestpass.com
The Sequel: Four Peaks Of Freedom

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November 12, 2012

“A Cry for Freedom and a Heart that Swelled” (Installment 1)

My journey to India sourced from a need for freedom of my individuality, true independence and a releasing of the metamorphosis that was occurring within my spirit. It was a huge quantum leap for me to leave my family (4 teenage step-children, 3 yr. old son and my domestic partner) and go somewhere purely for my personal need. My soul desired and yearned for it. I had dedicated the last four years to my life to everyone else and felt I lost me. Although I was happy not to search for the old me, I was interested in the new me and desperately wanted to know who she was without someone constantly asking for Momma. As a mother and a feminine role model I knew I had to go without a doubt. I had to discover the new me before too much time went by creating a paralyzing fear within that would soon block me from leaping forward in life. I have seen too many mothers acquire this tragedy. That was not going to be me.

India, the land of the divine mother. What better place to go to for a mother leaving her loved ones behind? I was ready to receive the lessons, the love, the nurturing, etc that the motherland had in store for me. The moment I said good-bye to my loved ones I was already experiencing more freedom than I had felt in years. This immediately put me into a state of gratitude and I hadn’t even left America.

My journey of freedom had already begun. I was in massive appreciation for my long flights of being alone. No one to answer to, no little guy climbing all over me, no one sitting next to me, etc. It was bliss. I could meditate, write, watch movies, sleep, stay up the whole time. I could do whatever the heck I wanted! I was responsible for only myself. I felt energized as if I was an innocent child again.

This was my third time going to India. The first was with child in womb, second was with child in arms and now the third was solo. If I am being honest I had not fully grasped the greatness of India in prior trips and never quite understood what people were talking about when they said they were in love with the country. That had not been my experience. I was neutral yet open. Not in love but not dislike. I was curious what my reaction would be this time and completely unattached to the outcome.

My second flight had been delayed for hours and India’s charm of making everything a pilgrimage had already begun in London. It made me laugh and did not care cause I was free to do whatever I wanted.

Landing in India brought this huge sense of familiarity to me as if I had landed home. This was an interesting feeling that I had not felt in the past. I was immediately having fond memories of standing in the emigration line with my son who was 18 months then and him jumping for the first time ever. This made me smile as I knew my loved ones were right where they needed to be: in my heart.

I arrived with Ken from our “Four Sacred Peaks” group who had become a fast friend. Our driver and two others awaited us. I found joy in seeing India through my new eyes. I was loving the smoke covered sky, the smell of burning wood in the air, the sound of horns honking away, the hustle and bustle of the massive amount of people flowing to and from. It was alive. This is where I needed to be: ALIVE.

Our driver and porters were already trying to work us over for money which made me laugh. Who can blame them? Our van carried two of us that been to India numerous times before and two who were virgins. I sat up with the driver in the passenger seat. I loved being in the front so I could experience the perfectly, imperfect flow of driving. Indians, to me, are the best drivers in the world. I am amazed by it all. It was so joyful to ride with two people who had not ever been to India before. They were in shock of it all and I found it to be extremely amusing and entertaining for our 6 hour ride to Rishikesh.

Upon my arrival I had already experienced freedom, new, connection, joy, laughter, adult conversations, unknown and fun. It was also being revealed to me how much knowledge, stillness, adaptability, happiness, etc I had acquired in that last four years of motherhood, having a strong meditation practice and partner whom I live with that is a master himself. More gratitude continued to flow within and deeply. Our group journey hadn’t even begun and I was experiencing such beauty.

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