TR KNOLES

My journey to India sourced from a need for freedom of my individuality, true independence and a releasing of the metamorphosis that was occurring within my spirit. It was a huge quantum leap for me to leave my family (4 teenage step-children, 3 yr. old son and my domestic partner) and go somewhere purely for my personal need. My soul desired and yearned for it. I had dedicated the last four years to my life to everyone else and felt I lost me. Although I was happy not to search for the old me, I was interested in the new me and desperately wanted to know who she was without someone constantly asking for Momma. As a mother and a feminine role model I knew I had to go without a doubt. I had to discover the new me before too much time went by creating a paralyzing fear within that would soon block me from leaping forward in life. I have seen too many mothers acquire this tragedy. That was not going to be me.

India, the land of the divine mother. What better place to go to for a mother leaving her loved ones behind? I was ready to receive the lessons, the love, the nurturing, etc that the motherland had in store for me. The moment I said good-bye to my loved ones I was already experiencing more freedom than I had felt in years. This immediately put me into a state of gratitude and I hadn’t even left America.

My journey of freedom had already begun. I was in massive appreciation for my long flights of being alone. No one to answer to, no little guy climbing all over me, no one sitting next to me, etc. It was bliss. I could meditate, write, watch movies, sleep, stay up the whole time. I could do whatever the heck I wanted! I was responsible for only myself. I felt energized as if I was an innocent child again.

This was my third time going to India. The first was with child in womb, second was with child in arms and now the third was solo. If I am being honest I had not fully grasped the greatness of India in prior trips and never quite understood what people were talking about when they said they were in love with the country. That had not been my experience. I was neutral yet open. Not in love but not dislike. I was curious what my reaction would be this time and completely unattached to the outcome.

My second flight had been delayed for hours and India’s charm of making everything a pilgrimage had already begun in London. It made me laugh and did not care cause I was free to do whatever I wanted.

Landing in India brought this huge sense of familiarity to me as if I had landed home. This was an interesting feeling that I had not felt in the past. I was immediately having fond memories of standing in the emigration line with my son who was 18 months then and him jumping for the first time ever. This made me smile as I knew my loved ones were right where they needed to be: in my heart.

I arrived with Ken from our “Four Sacred Peaks” group who had become a fast friend. Our driver and two others awaited us. I found joy in seeing India through my new eyes. I was loving the smoke covered sky, the smell of burning wood in the air, the sound of horns honking away, the hustle and bustle of the massive amount of people flowing to and from. It was alive. This is where I needed to be: ALIVE.

Our driver and porters were already trying to work us over for money which made me laugh. Who can blame them? Our van carried two of us that been to India numerous times before and two who were virgins. I sat up with the driver in the passenger seat. I loved being in the front so I could experience the perfectly, imperfect flow of driving. Indians, to me, are the best drivers in the world. I am amazed by it all. It was so joyful to ride with two people who had not ever been to India before. They were in shock of it all and I found it to be extremely amusing and entertaining for our 6 hour ride to Rishikesh.

Upon my arrival I had already experienced freedom, new, connection, joy, laughter, adult conversations, unknown and fun. It was also being revealed to me how much knowledge, stillness, adaptability, happiness, etc I had acquired in that last four years of motherhood, having a strong meditation practice and partner whom I live with that is a master himself. More gratitude continued to flow within and deeply. Our group journey hadn’t even begun and I was experiencing such beauty.