TR KNOLES

Birth

I woke at dawn staring into the darkness. Deep sadness looming over me. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I let them flood my eyes and flow down my cheeks. Streams of tears sourcing from my heart which was the space in which my son was held. My heart was yearning for my little one and the only way it knew how to express itself was through the water element of letting go. I allowed for myself to feel. I was deeply experiencing the love I had for my other half that had once lived within me; my baby boy. He is the only male who has captured my heart in such a way.

I was not suffering. I felt I was letting go of rigid attachment. Having been adopted myself I had a deeply rooted fear of never leaving my child. On the opposite end of my fear I had observed so many mothers that held on so tightly to their children throughout the years of their offsprings young lives that I felt it had a crippling effect on the individuality of both the mother and child. My preference with the upbringing of my son was slowly over time to let him go so he and I could fully fly happily into our own purpose. Piece by piece, little by little letting go.

It had always been my opinion that a good mother is one that sees the big picture and is able to make her decisions based upon that knowingness while balancing the now. I was presently experiencing the very beginning stage of my son’s freedom from his mother. The fear of no control and faint attachment overwhelmed my being. This was a new layer of my motherhood journey forming.

I began the process of allowing myself to submit to the releasing of my son in the most healthy way possible for his own good as well as mine. I purged. I cried in a way that I am sure was not graceful and I did not care. I gave myself the space and time. When finishing I fell into an abyssal transcendent state.

Chai was swirling around my taste buds and entering my stomach. I was sitting poolside and waiting for our 7 a.m. group meditation and yoga. I was enjoying the sun and company.

I stepped into the beautiful yoga hall. This space was extremely celestial and peaceful. It was encased by open windows which allowed for the air to flow through and the beautiful bubbling sounds of the river rippling around. The room was large and open. The north end of the space is where Anand sat upon the stage instructing. A large gong placed near him, the wall behind him painted in a warm terra cotta color, with a massive brass statue of Lord Shiva dancing in ring of fire; Nataraja enriching the whole background. It was a powerful stage.

Our morning practice had begun. I was feeling slightly off with my movement which is rare for me to experience having been an athlete and fitness professional. It made me laugh and feel humble.
The class picked up its intensity and I was going along for the ride. Anand instructed us to engage through eye contact with one person in the room, find the primal survival animal within and project out the loudest yell to the other as if your life counted on it. We repeated this over and over. Our movement was intense and explosive. The sounds erupting from each one of us was beyond anything I had ever heard before. It was animate and we were connecting with our most natural state of being. I was riding a wave of release when boom, it hit me.

She was there. I was experiencing Her again. It had been years. I didn’t know if I should jump for joy or run the other way. I suddenly began to have an out of body experience. I was innocently witnessing myself. I listened to this voice that was roaring like a wild lioness. It scared me, yet I was intrigued. I had only ever connected with this supreme Shakti Devi one other time in my life.

The past was becoming the present and I continued to abide. I was reliving the sensory level and emotions of birthing my son. This Shakti Devi (the supreme Self) was the one who had been there to guide me through the last five hours of birthing my baby. At that point of my labor everyone had been asleep. It was myself lunging in my birthing pool of water at home and this amazing inner voice guiding me to my power. She gave me the strength and courage to continue on through the hardest physical, mental, emotional exertion of my life. That Shakti Devi empowered me to dig deeply and go beyond our human capacity of pain threshold and accomplish a completely natural birth allowing me to feel every subtle sensation of my child descending down through my birth canal. This powerful experience was exalted within me again. That was the only time I had ever heard myself scream like that until now.

I was overwhelmed. I had been consumed in the present. The tears were uncontrollable as we came to closure with our primal exercise. We stood silently in place. Anand instructed us to place the left hand over the heart chakra followed by the right hand. By this point I felt as though I could not breathe nor hold back. Streaming tears, a calmness, a resolute embodiment was occurring.

Anand walked up behind me and placed his hand on the back of my heart chakra. I was starting to feel gratitude, freedom, expansion and love in a magnitude that was off the Richter scale. I could not speak. I could not internally say that I was feeling anything other than positivity for what had just transpired.

After my son’s birth I had longed to connect with this powerful being again. I had always felt lost in finding Her, wondering if or when she would return. I had this deep desire and need for Her.

When class ended I continued to cry soft tears from being overcome. It was beyond beautiful. I felt like I shifted into a new state of being. My desire of shedding the layers while staying vulnerable created the outward and inward effect of the feminine Goddess I yearned to be.

I dived into the pool, mixed my tears with the water and stayed vulnerable. I found what I had been looking for. My Shakti had been awakened . Victory, profound joy and deep gratitude were dominating me. I had come to India to find Her.

http://www.mysattva.com
http://www.thehighestpass.com
The Sequel: Four Peaks of Freedom